the bippy

...anatomy of a soccer match

i don't care about soccer...there i said it (patriotism be damned). for all of you out there who are interested in possibly watching a soccer match, i want to give you a run down of what to expect so you can me a quality decision.

• there are two team (you'll know the teams because they'll be dressed as a jr. high girls lacrosse team)
• the teams will also be filled with impossibly "pretty" men (this is not a compliment)
• there will be two coaches (both will have a cosa nostra feeling about them)
• play begins right after a small but rewarding juicebox ceremony
• there will be many highlights (these include)
• • dudes kicking each other in the groin
  • at least one player taking their shirt off
  • a copious amount of rolling around on the ground pretending to have the worst injury imaginable (then getting up 5 mins. later and playing the rest of the match)
  • many beers (if you're going to watch an entire match, i recommend being so drunk you can't see)
  • many trips to the bathroom (see above)
  • a yellow card, possibly a red, for reason you won't understand and more to the point care about
  • much exasperation (the players and yours)
  • a drought of scoring (we're talking a sahara like drought)
  • drunken fans (all of them)
• and the capper, games end in ties (your teams both played hard, here, you both get trophy's...and have another juicebox)

so there it is, the anatomy of a soccer match.  do yourself a favor and find a new, nicely painted wall, watching paint dry is much less irritating.

default national champs (what have we learned)

now that the j.v. squads have finished their scrimmage, can we have utah and usc play for the real national championship.  all kidding aside, and i'm only partially kidding, when looking back at another round of the bcs epic fail what have we learned.

• florida might have deserved to be in the national championship, but they sure didn't play like it
• the big 12 was a very sexy conference this year, and because of it we got to see bob stoops fail again (fantastic!)
• urban meyer is an arrogant prick!
• utah is the only team that really has something to complain about
• watching bob stoops lose really does bring a modicrum of joy into my life (not as much joy as watching a quality football game would have)
• were the t.v. guys trying to get into to tim tebows pants  (i've never heard such praise and gushing over a mediocre perfomance)
• pizza is better than wings and less messy
• that crystal ball would look better if urban meyer was wearing a dress (he could use the same dress the announcers are going to use when the court sweet sweet timbow!)
•  man...i should probably swallow that jagged little pill
• at least we don't have to watch the little 10 get their hats handed to them again (way to show up again ohio st. (the))

enough of that...the only thing we learned is the same thing we learn every year:  we now have a national champion by default, not by decision.

world series is over

another world series has come and gone, and i can't help but feel disappointed how it turned out.  not only did the team not play as well as i had hoped we would, but i tore my hamstring again, and had to sit out are last three games.  this has been a real source of frustration, seeing as i tore it two months ago as well.  i'm determined to let it heal full this time before running it out there again.  other than that i had a good time.  the team, was a joy to play with.  caught up with a lot of friends that i haven't seem in quite a while, and got a week off with my honey to relax and enjoy the pool, food, and friends.   hard to argue wit any of that.

opening week observings

as a mariners fan i generally have to revel in the first few wins of the season.  savor them, because after the all star break...all down hill...in the crapper...up a creek sans paddle...weeping and wailing ensue.  you get the idea.  this year will be different though.   not really but spring hopes are eternal, or is that, hope springs eternal. 

here are some thoughts on opening week:

• the mariners pitching looks to be great
• not so much on the offense
• petey martinez is stealing the mets money
• curt schilling criticizing someone else for talking to much and having no class(hey kettle, you're black)
• the cubs will ultimately have another year of disappointment and find something ridiculous to blame to make themselves feel better
  
• if i'm lucky boston will too
• richie sexon has potential to destroy the strikeout record (keep on waving richard)
• arod is a monster (a little like mothra) *i love mothra*
• king felix is filthy
• oh do i wish brandon webb was a mariner
  
• so is santana (not the guitar player)
• josh beckett better get healthy quick (my best fantasy pitcher)
• i still want boston to lose
• for that matter isn't the east coast due a disaster

that's it for now.  i'm sure i'll have more as the week moves on. 

jackassta nation has a new leader

andy pettitte is the new poster boy for jackassta nation.  if you were unlucky enough to see his press conference yesterday, you undoubtedly heard him say several times, "i don't think i'm a cheater".  don't strain yourself andy, we'll think it for you.

just so you know andy, using a performance enhancer to gain an advantage is cheating.  he claims he was just being a good team guy.  he was being paid a lot of money and he wanted to get back on the field and help his team.  man, i take back what i said, he sounds like a great guy or he doesn't at all.  he sounds like a cheater to me.  just say it man, and for all you other cheaters out there:

*  i cheated.  i am sorry or not.  i did this to gain an advantage because that is what almost anyone in my position would do.  i mean, if you're not cheating, you're not trying right. *

i would have so much more respect for him if he would have just told the truth, which he kind of did, but not really.  on the bright side of things, andy won't be the leader of jackassta nation for long.  as soon as king rocket opens his gaping maw and throws his grandmother under the bus (the only person he hasn't thrown under there yet) he'll be primed and ready to retake his thrown.

not hard to imagine these guys being best friends!

old and broken

put on the cleats this last sunday and played a little softball with the new team.  two days later, and with quite a bit more pain, i am left with some thoughts:

• i am mo' fatter than i should be
• man am i sore
• i feel like i'm 56 not 36
• wasn't i athletic once upon a time
• i feel old and broken
• isn't softball a warm weather sport
• i need to clip my toenails
• was second base always this far from first
• i truly am softball guy now
• can i get a pinch runner for practice
• bye bye pride

it looks to have the earmarkings of a fun year, but holy cow i need to lose a little weight, and get in better shape, or a little recreational softball might kill me. 

new year, same old fraud

the 2008 bcs is over and it's spooky how much it looks like 2007.  once again ohio state(the), of the little ten got drop kicked by a far superior squad.  the talking heads will go on and on about how speed and execution were huge factors in the win, but i have a question:  when was the last time the varsity didn't beat the j.v. team?  osu hopefully will not be allowed to embarrass themselves again next year.  send them to the *insert horrible company name here* bowl in *lametown usa here*, and for god's sake and ours of course, don't put it on t.v..  no more sweater vests, and red and silver.  no more drunken fans trying hard to spell ohio with their arms, but forgetting what comes after the o, and for the love of all that is holy and good, no more freaking little ten.

the real problem this presents though, is once again we have a champion by default.  this isn't to say that lsu shouldn't be the champion, or that they couldn't beat any other team.  all i'm saying is we don't know.  could lsu score on the stingy usc defense, or stop there offense for that matter.  wouldn't it be nice to find out.  we won't!  so every college football fan out there(except lsu and osu) is left to wonder what could have been if we only got a playoff like a proper sport. 

...and here's a prediction:  next year, the writers and computers, with far too short a memory, will give far too much credit to the little ten again, and don't be surpised if the buckeyes weasel their way into having their asses kicked in a third straight bcs title game.